I have been seeing a couple that is stuck in a non-nurturing relationship. Each spouse says to me, "My spouse doesn't make me feel like giving. My spouse is selfish. For me to give would feel like a burden; it would feel phony. When my spouse starts giving to me, then I will naturally want to give too. Then, I will match what they give to me."

In this situation, I want to encourage each party to begin giving a lot more, and to do so unilaterally, not as a quid pro quo. There are other situations where I would discourage a spouse from giving more, such as when one spouse is truly selfish, abusive, exploitative, and narcissistic. But that is not the case with this couple. They are both good people, but each came into the marriage having been taken advantage of and wounded in previous relationships.

I would like each party to view themselves as benefiting from giving, not as being burdened and diminished. Torah instructs us that we should give 10% of our resources to others, where we expect no return and where the person has done nothing to earn the gift. That is known as "tzedakah." Most importantly, Torah says that we do not need to feel diminished at all by doing so, but rather we can feel "rich," fulfilled and joyful.

Is this position realistic, practical or is it a formula for prolonging abuse?

Obviously, we can not feel generously charitable if we are frightened or believe that our giving was coerced or manipulated from us. We need to be in a situation where we have freely chosen to give.

We all have within us a destructive force that distorts or colors our thoughts and our perception of reality. On such destructive thought is: "If I give now to someone who isn't giving back to me, I am a fool, a loser, and an abused person." Torah says: "That view is false. Yes, you are a fool, a loser, and an abused person if most of the time you give to someone who doesn't give back. But you need to learn that at least 10% of the time you can give tzedakah and give it happily."

There are a number of ways that Torah makes this point. I would like to share one such way that I particularly enjoy.

The language of a culture tells you a great deal about the values and perceptions of that culture. In some academic disciplines this relationship is referred to as "the Whorfian hypothesis."1

More specifically, concerning our issue of giving, both Hebrew and Yiddish have a linguistic oddity that concerns giving.

On Saturday nights, many Jews recite a set of blessings that include the verse: "You will lend to many nations, but you will not borrow" (Deuteronomy 15:6). It is interesting that, in the original Hebrew text, the verb root for "to lend" is that same as the verb root for "to borrow." This verb, "avat," means one thing and also means its opposite.2

This is not the case in English, where we do not have a single verb that means both borrow and lend.3

What makes this linguistic oddity even more intriguing is that it also occurs in Yiddish. The verb "borgen" in Yiddish can mean either to borrow or to lend.4 And although Yiddish is closely related to German, nonetheless, this oddity does not occur in German, which has separate verbs for "to borrow" (borgen or leihnen) and for "to lend" (verleihnen).

What message is embedded in this linguistic oddity?

Let me answer that question by bringing in one additional linguistic idiosyncrasy.

The Hebrew word "v'natnu," meaning "and they shall give," appears frequently in the Bible. The word is a palindrome, that is, it reads the same whether you read it from left to right or from right to left. In English, for example, the word "level" is a palindrome.

Our sages interpret this biblical palindrome as a promise from G‑d: "Be assured that if you step forward generously to give, rewards will come back to you. If you lend generously to others, G‑d will see to it that either you do not need to borrow, or that when you need to borrow, you will receive your loan."

For this process to work in your marriage, your spouse must see that your gift was freely given, not that they pressured you into it; further, it must be given without a bill being attached; it wasn't a trade or a sale, it was a gift. It is best if the gift was not at all expected and if you were not there waiting to be thanked.

A very simple example: A wife is rushing out of the house on a Sunday morning and she knocks over a small bookcase in the kitchen filled with her cookbooks. She yells out to her husband, "I don't have time to deal with the mess. I'll do it when I get back." She knows that her husband is also under time pressure that morning, and she accepts that fixing the mess that she created with her books is her responsibility.

How might the husband react? Let us assume that he is bothered that his wife is not heavily invested in keeping a very neat house. He feels she cares more about her career, or interacting with the children, than fulfilling his desire for a beautifully-kept house. He could be resentful.

Nonetheless, in my best scenario, he says to himself, "this is an opportunity; I can be genuinely giving and generous; I don't have to be hooked by anger; I don't like how I feel after I am angry. Hey, so my wife is a bit of a slob, or maybe I'm a bit of a neat-freak... but she is wonderful in many other ways; this is an opportunity for me to practice tzedakah." The husband takes the time to fix the problem. The wife returns home, while the husband is still out of the house, and finds everything in order. She can't even reach her husband to thank him right away.

Can you take it upon yourself to spend 10% of your resources attempting to touch your spouse's heart as a freebie? Can you enjoy the process? Watch and see what happens in return.

Dear Tzippora,

After five years of marriage, we have just begun fertility treatments. The problem is that these treatments are putting a real strain on our marriage. While I am not yet ready to give up my dream of having a family, I can't stand how stressed out we have become. Sometimes it seems easier these days to be alone than to spend time together. What can I do to protect my marriage during this difficult and challenging time?

Stressed Out

Dear Stressed Out,

Infertility treatments are often invasive, time-consuming, and expensive. In addition, many of the hormone regulating medications often prescribed can make you moody and depressed. The requirement to discuss aspects of your intimate life with outsiders, even medical professionals, is embarrassing and sometimes degrading. So the stress load placed on your marriage at this time is indeed considerable.

Yet now that you have identified the problem, you can take steps to protect your marriage.

Explain to your husband that you believe that this process is putting strain on your marriage and you would like to work together to protect your relationship. Here are a number of steps you can take:

Give yourselves safe-time in which to reconnect as a couple. During these times, relax and enjoy each other's company, and make discussion of treatment protocol off-limits. This will give you a chance to focus on the positive and fulfilling parts of your relationship, because fertility treatments can cause an intense focus on what is lacking.

Make a decision to actively fight stress by taking care of your health through exercise, proper nutrition, good sleep habits, and an occasional luxury such as a massage, an expensive dinner out, or even a weekend getaway. It is also important to surround yourself with positive, supportive friends.

Share with your husband the challenges and pressures you experience as a result of your treatment. Encourage him to share his feelings and his thoughts about this issue as well. Yet be prepared that he may choose not to open up to you. Many men prefer not to reveal their inner world in this manner. If that is your husband's choice, it is necessary to respect his decision and appreciate his willingness to listen.

Discuss how you and your husband can support each other during the inevitable rollercoaster and disappointments that are part of this process, and what steps you will take to keep each others spirits up.

Remember that you are in this together, and the strength of your future family rests on the foundation of a strong marital relationship.

Good Luck!

What Makes a Person Loveable?

Being "loveable" is relatively easy to achieve during the dating process. After all, what is required other than being reasonably well-groomed, polite and pleasant? Sure, a little humor and a few unique strengths can also contribute to the mix but the personal demands remain low. Just be nice.

In marriage, however, lovability is a whole different ball game. To remain loveable a few weeks after the marriage, you're going to have to work harder to impress your new "room-mate." Sharing space and resources can throw up challenges to your character that just don't show up in the dating arena. How do you think YOU are doing?

Rate Yourself

Give yourself a numerical score between one and ten ("ten" being nearly perfect) on the following "loveable" marital traits. (And remember to rate yourself, not your spouse! You can ask your spouse to take the quiz too).

1. Cleanliness. Now that you're living with your partner, you'll want to keep your belongings neat and organized. Your mess is not only unattractive, but makes YOU unattractive as well. Rate yourself from 1-10 on the Neat scale.

2. Responsibility. Fulfilling your obligations is definitely loveable while neglecting them is sure to bring disdain your way. Do you keep to your commitments and promises in a timely fashion? Do you do what you're supposed to do without having to be reminded, directed or nagged? Rate yourself from 1-10 on the Responsibility scale.

3. Respect. The ability to show respect is very loveable. Do you refrain from insulting, diminishing or otherwise putting down your spouse? Do you consistently use a pleasant tone of voice? Do you act as nicely toward your partner as you do to strangers, colleagues and friends? Rate yourself from 1-10 on the Respect scale.

4. Cool, Calm & Collected. Being able to handle stress is an essential marital skill. There's nothing quite so unloveable as an adult who tantrums, throws fits, yells or otherwise routinely "loses it." Showing violent upset even once a year is enough to reduce your loveability by 90%. Showing moderate upset once a month has similar results. Unfortunately, no one actually likes, let alone loves, an angry person. Rate your ability to stay calm no matter what provocations come your way from 1-10.

5. Communication. Some people don't yell – they just clam up. A warm relationship requires sharing of thoughts and feelings. Retreating into oneself leaves a partner out in the cold. Do you open up to your spouse about your joys, worries, frustrations, dreams, thoughts and ideas? Do your share? Rate yourself from 1-10 on the openness of your communication with your spouse.

6. Affection. The quickest way to a person's heart is through warmth. Showing physical affection and being generous with compliments and appreciative remarks is very loveable. Do you lay on the acknowledgement, praise, gifts, treats and other shows of love? Rate your ability to show affection from 1-10.

If you score over 55 on this quiz, you are one loveable person! The lower your score, the more you can do to improve. You'll find that bringing your score up brings your marital happiness up as well.

Remember to take this test each year on your wedding anniversary.

We have a stringent duty to honor our parents. But are there limits? The Talmud praises a Roman officer for maintaining his composure even after his mother tore his clothes and spit in his face in public (Kiddushin 31a). Many cite this story as proof that a child must passively submit to abuse by a parent. This view is mistaken and can lead to terrible tragedies. The sixteenth century halachic authority Rabbi Solomon Luria (the "Maharshal") wrote that the above situation is only applicable if a parent suffers from dementia and is clearly not responsible for his actions. He states that if a child feels emotionally ill around a parent, he must set definite limits, such as moving far away. Maimonides states that parents "should not impose too heavy a burden upon their children or be too exacting regarding their duty to honor them, lest they cause the children to rebel" (Mishneh Torah).

This fact hit home a few days ago when, after a lecture, a woman came over to me and whispered, "Do you remember Rivka A?" "Of course," I replied. Although I haven't spoken to her in many years, I remembered her as a sweet-natured young woman who always sat next to me in my classes and who enthusiastically put my child-rearing methods into practice. "Well," the woman said, "Last week, she ran away, leaving her five children, including a 6-month old baby, with her husband and mother-in-law."

Feeling intensely sad, I drove back home, imagining what must have happened. During the year that she was my student, Rivka had confided in me that her mother-in-law, whom I will refer to as Sandra, was making her life miserable. From the moment Rivka married Dan, an only child, Sandra constantly criticized Rivka. A lonely divorcee, Sandra spent every holiday with them and had long conversations with Dan each day. Dan felt caught between two women, each of whom was fighting for his affections. Instead of telling him that his loyalty should be to his wife, his advisors told him to "keep the peace."

Before long, Sandra moved next door to her son, visiting whenever she pleased and constantly telling Dan that Rivka was a terrible mother and that she herself could do a much better job at parenting his children. To the public, it seemed as if Sandra was a devoted grandmother who wanted to lighten Rivka's burden. In truth, she was slowly alienating the children from their mother. Rivka swallowed her pain, even as Dan began to imitate his mother, becoming just as critical and scornful. It was a sixteen-year long nightmare.

Sandra is a narcissist with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). She needed to feel powerful, needed to be at the center of everyone's attention and needed to be adored. Eventually, she succeeded in gaining the control she sought all along. Now she has her son and grandchildren all to herself. And lives were destroyed.

WHAT IS BPD?

Borderlines have two very distinct selves. On the surface, they are charming and generous to those who adore them. Often super-pious externally, they may attract attention with their unusual stringencies in religious matters. They may be devoted religious leaders, teachers or involved in helping professions. Adept at manipulating people, they move deftly into positions of power and influence. Outsiders would never imagine that, in private, these "saintly" people are tempestuous and imperious, screaming, slapping and turning family members against each other by playing favorites. Due to their need to be seen as perfect, they often become hysterical before visitors arrive, due to some minor imperfection, like a spot of dirt on the floor or a dish in the sink, or because they think a child did not show sufficient respect by carrying out their orders immediately and submissively. When the doorbell rings, they are all smiles and honey-coated talk.

Borderlines hold an extremely high opinion of themselves. No matter how many people they hurt or how much damage they do, they insist that, "Everyone else loves me!" They feel that they are entitled to special treatment and worshipful admiration because of all the good they do for others. To live with a Borderline, you must follow unspoken rules, such as:

· Never talk about your own feelings or opinions. Focus only on them.

· Praise them constantly, as they have a huge need to be adored no matter how badly they behave.

· Never criticize. Never discuss a violent episode or even hint that they have ever done anything wrong, as they will tell you that it never happened or that you are exaggerating or they will get you off on a tangent by arguing about the words you are using or the fact that you are upset. They expect you to forgive and forget quickly, as if the event never occurred.

· Be obsequious and submissive. Carry out their orders as if you have no will of your own. Otherwise, you will be punished. However, realize that no matter what you do for them, it will never be good enough, as they are unpleasable.

· Never show interest in other people, as they are intensely, even insanely jealous. Anyone, even a baby, can be considered a "rival."

· Do not defend yourself when they tell lies about you to others, making up stories about the awful things you have done. No one will believe you. Borderlines confuse fantasy with reality. They think that whatever they think is true, just because they imagined it. For example, if they merely imagine that you have betrayed them, it means that you have done so and must be punished.

· Be prepared for unpredictability. Just when you feel most resentful, they will arrive with a gift or offer money, making you feel guilty for feeling so angry. However, be wary; they will soon explode over some alleged imperfection on your part and the cycle begins again.

If you grew up with a Borderline parent, it is likely that today you often feel anxious, confused and angry. Because your feelings were discounted, ignored or criticized, you have difficult validating your own feelings. Because you could not meet their perfectionist standards, you now feel, "Nothing I do is ever good enough." You expect people to hurt you and are suspicious when people are nice to you. Terrified of being rejected or criticized, you anxiously seek approval, always putting other people's needs first. You don't feel worthy of love, joy or success.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

The only way to begin repairing the damage is by keeping your distance, both emotionally and physically. If not, you will forever be caught up in periodic storms of chaos and cruelty which will leave you reeling, while they go blithely on, smiling as if nothing happened.

The most important thing is to refuse to feel guilty for their pain or scared of what they can do to you if you distance yourself or refuse to listen to them vent for hours. Borderlines are expert "guilt-trippers," playing "victim," making you to blame for their misery and illnesses. When you set limits, they will tell friends and relatives that you have abandoned them and encourage them to call and scold you for being such a terrible child/spouse/sibling. Refuse to explain, defend or justify your actions.

"Release" them with compassion. This means that when you think about them (and they want you to think about them 24 hours a day), immediately think to yourself, "I release him/her to G‑d, as this is too heavy a burden for me."

To help you forgive (from a distance), realize that most Borderlines have a history of early abandonment or abuse. Many had cold and rejecting parents or lost their mothers early in life. As a result, they are untrusting of people, highly controlling and inwardly very anxious.

Don't try to change them. Emotional illnesses are like stains on a fabric. Some stains can be removed with time and effort. But BPD is a character disorder, which means that their behavior is an integral and inseparable part of the person's personality. People who don't feel ashamed of their behavior will not make any effort to change, because they do not think anything is wrong with them. Your task is to learn to deeply and completely love and accept yourself, even though you, too have hostile feelings at times and to cheer your efforts to become a reliably loving and safe person. This is the only path to healing, one which can take a lifetime.

Dear Tzippora,

My husband and I have a good marriage. I respect him a lot, and he is truly the nicest person I have ever met. After ten plus years, being together feels so natural that it is hard for me to remember what it is like to not be married to him. He is definitely my best friend. But sometimes in the middle of the night, I find myself longing for the romance that I dreamed of as a teenager, and I find myself wondering "Is this it?"

Married to my Best Friend

Dear Married to my Best Friend,

Marriage is a balancing act. A marriage itself is a partnership, a friendship, and a romance. Yet between working, running a home, parenting, car-pooling, and squeezing in a quick workout at the gym, many people find themselves already stressed out to their maximum, with little energy left to dedicate to their marriages. As a result, many marriages, even good marriages, grow stale and lose some freshness and sparkle.

Your letter describes the many fine qualities of your marriage, and yet you are still wondering if there could be something missing. It sounds to me like something is out of balance.

The Jewish marriage model is described in Song of Songs by the expression "achoti, kallah" – my sister, my bride. The ideal marriage contains both these aspects – a level of platonic friendship as deeply intimate as the relationship between a brother and a sister, and a romantic aspect symbolized by the excitement of a bride on her wedding day.

Although adolescent fantasies of romance need to be tempered with adult maturity and judgment, in a good marriage, there is passion as well as friendship. It seems like you have become so comfortable together that your relationship has taken on an overly platonic aspect. To regain a proper balance, you need to focus on rekindling the romantic component of your relationship.

A good place to start is to schedule a date night once a week. Use this as an opportunity to break out of the rut of your daily conversation, and explore new topics together. Choose an activity conducive to stimulating conversation, such as trying a new restaurant for dinner, or going for a moonlight stroll.

Planning a getaway just for the two of you is also valuable at this point. Even if actualizing your plans is still far off, begin to spend time planning and discussing together. These conversations will lay the groundwork for a successful holiday, and provide a framework for bringing your relationship into the foreground of your family agenda.

Ultimately, it is up to you to create the marriage of your dreams. Just like a successful garden requires vision and planning, so too, a marriage that is carefully nutrured will be more successful and rewarding than one that is abandoned to the course of nature and the ravages of time.

Any investment in your marriage is also an investment in the long-term intergenerational stability of your family.

Good luck, and enjoy!

Hebrew, the holy language, is unique in many ways. Not only does each letter express itself also as a number (aleph=1, bet = 2, etc.), known as Gematria, but words that have the same letters have a connection that is often profoundly meaningful and instructive.

Take the word regesh, meaning feeling. If you change the letters around, you get the word gesher, meaning bridge. What's the connection? Well, simply, if you want to make a bridge to another human being, you need to understand their feelings. Yes, simple, but not easy. We are often afraid or ashamed of feelings, our own as well as those of others. We are uncomfortable with sadness, grief, fear, anger and shame. We don't know what to do with such feelings. And so, we distance ourselves in an effort to protect from such storms of emotion. Unfortunately, in that process, we distance ourselves from our loved ones, as well.

In previous blogs, I discussed what can be controlled (i.e., "secondary" thoughts, speech and action.) I would like to focus now on what cannot be controlled – i.e., feelings, body sensations and first (initial thoughts). They cannot always be "fixed" or changed or relieved at the moment. We often just need to experience them and understand that they have their own life, coming and going, rising and falling, at their own rate and intensity, just like waves in the sea. The only thing we can do is give them the gifts of a listening ear, non-judgmental responses, and enough patience to work themselves out.

We do this automatically with infants. With a newborn, we are so quick to attend to feelings. We hear a cry and immediately we mobilize all our resources to attend to the child. We strengthen our connection through our attention, which gives the child a feeling of security and safety. We also do not hesitate to complement, notice and become emotionally overjoyed with every little accomplishment. We are excited with the new little person, and find it easy to encourage, praise and support.

Does the need for this type of attention ever stop? Do we reach an age where we no longer need someone to hear our feelings and have the patience to give us a loving response? Usually, we will use these words less and less with our children somewhere around the beginning of their school years, around the ages of five to seven years-old. Because of the stress and demands of everyday life, we find ourselves overwhelmed with commands and frustrations. "Hang up your coat, wash your hands, do your homework, stop fighting with your sister/brother." There are so many rules and regulations, so much "micro-managing" that is a realistic and necessary aspect of raising children. But, all too often we forget the other part: the emotional connection through words of praise, encouragement and acknowledgment. We forget to be excited or interested in what's happening in their world of feelings. We don't slow down long enough to truly listen, on a deeper level.

This phenomenon came through very clearly with a couple I recently dealt with. Both Yael and Yosef (not real names) are very fine people. Basically they have a "good enough" marriage; children, job and community were all in order. What was the problem? They don't experience closeness, depth or connection. Their marriage felt boring, and on automatic and they were both concerned and feeling lonely as a result of this disconnection. Whenever they did find time to be together, the talk usually drifted to problems and negativity. Their mood reminded me of another word association: choshech, which means darkness and shachach, which is forgetting. Why does it become dark or depressing in relationships? Because we forget to make time to attend to the priorities, to first and foremost make the bridge to the feelings.

In discussing their individual homes of origin, it became apparent that neither Yael nor Yosef came from a home where feelings were acknowledged and positive verbal expression was encouraged. Their parents did not relate to one another with a special nurturing vocabulary. What took precedence were the facts, not the feelings; it was intellect over emotion. Accomplishment at school, cleanliness, dress and food were all emphasized at the expense of more meaningful connections. As the children got older, they were expected not to need the emotional support or the proverbial "pat on the back." Feelings had to be hidden or suppressed under the pressure to "grow up, be a big boy, be brave and get over it."

We all work for some kind of wage, whether it is monetary or otherwise. What motivates all human beings, our "minimum wage," is to be acknowledged, heard and appreciated. For some people, this is an automatic part of their giving nature. For others, it must become a learned ability, and it takes a great deal of practice. But once you make it a part of your life, you will find it to be the easiest (and least expensive!) way to enhance your marital harmony.

Yosef and Yael began to practice some interchanges that at first felt awkward and staged. (It was!) It was like learning a new language with foreign words. They both laughed embarrassingly at their difficulty. And the fear was that it sounded so mechanical. Would it ever become natural for them? Well, again nature is teva, and drowing is tavuah. If we don't work to overcome our natural habits, they will, indeed, drown us in our old habits.

Yosef and Yael were grateful to find out that their problem could be softened through some introspection and reality checks. We investigated such questions as: "What's difficult about learning to compliment?" "What are YOU feeling when your partner expresses feelings?" "What is non-judgmental listening all about?" "What beliefs keep your emotions suppressed?" "Which communication roadblocks prevent your partner from expressing him/herself honestly?"

These are a few of those "roadblocks" that make it unsafe to express feelings:

1) Minimizing: "Oh that's ridiculous/not important…"

2) Maximizing: "That spells disaster/danger…"

3) All or Nothing: "The whole trip/day/event is ruined…." "You always/never…"

4) Perfectionism: "It's never good enough/right enough….."

5) History-izing: "You've never….you always….."

6) Comparison: "My mother/father….. never did it that way….

7) Denial: "It's not true…"

Yael and Yosef also had many opportunities to increase their own practice by implementing their new skills with the children by remembering to listen attentively, receive feelings and to support and praise whenever appropriate. Over time, as the children became confident that they would not be judged or ridiculed, the atmosphere in the home became calmer and more respectful.

Anger Between Spouses

Love and anger cannot coexist together. Anger will always push away love. A person cannot ingest poison and then remain healthy; so, too, a person cannot receive anger and still feel loving toward the angry person.

Negative feelings are always more powerful, pervasive, and long-lasting than positive feelings. One or two negative interactions will easily spoil ten or twenty positive interactions. Anger in the form of criticism, sarcasm, hostility, or cruelty, is a very strong negative emotion. Anger is "love's poison."

It is normal at times to feel irritated with your spouse or other close family member. You may not like how they prepare food, dress, spend money, clean the house, parent, or talk with you. At these moments, you have a choice. You can respond either with patience, kindness and understanding, or with judgment, anger and conflict. If you respond with anger and criticism, you will almost certainly ruin your relationship.

Successful marriages are built with love and respect. Anger and arguing will drive a wedge between you and your partner, making mutual feelings of love and respect impossible. Simply, if you want a loving relationship, keep anger out of your home.

Some people think that arguments between husbands and wives are a necessary part of marriage. This is not true. The goal should be to never express anger, bicker, or get into a serious fight. Nobody wants to get sick. We do many things to avoid falling ill. However, when illness comes, we understand it is a normal part of life. The relationship between a husband and wife is the same. We strive for continual peace and harmony, but we accept the occasional marital conflict.

A healthy person can easily survive the flu, but a weak person cannot. The same is true for your relationship. If it is strong, it will endure the occasional mistake by you or your spouse, even though your goal is an anger-free relationship. If anger, as an unwanted guest, occasionally appears, quickly show it the way out. Make your home a special place filled with love and positive feelings.

What Should a Marriage be Like?

A relationship should be peaceful, fun, romantic, pleasant, and devoid of anger, criticism, hostility, and sarcasm. Realistically, you are likely to have the occasional disagreement or argument with your partner. However, the disagreements should be kept small and quickly set aside. When the disagreement is about a particular issue, and anger has not been mixed in, it is easy to have closure and move-on.

Your relationship is successful when you feel loved and cared for by your partner. You feel that in a time of need your partner will be there with you, and for you. Your partner is loyal, loving, and enjoys your company. Not all moments of the day are filled with romance and song, but you look forward to moments that can be. Many times, you are away from your partner, and you enjoy those times, but you look forward to when you are united again. Together, you work with your partner to build your family, and in many cases, grow your family by giving birth to children, and then, in partnership, you raise them.

King Solomon of biblical fame was the smartest man that ever lived. Many hundreds of years ago he declared, "There is nothing new under the sun." This certainly applies to the age-old human need to live in a family. What is new is the increased effort needed to make living in a family a positive experience for all. For most troubled families, the very first step to relationship success is ejecting anger from within the family's bosom.

Anger will fill the home with hostility and mistrust, and family members will prefer to be anywhere other than home. This is the tragedy caused by anger. Fortunately, the tragedy of anger is preventable.

In Judaism, idolatry is considered one the greatest sins. The Talmud compares an angry person to an idol-worshiper. When a person is angry they forget about G‑d; they forget that G‑d is good. They often lie, they embarrass others, they injure others, and they bear hatred, to name just a few of the many sins that being angry can lead to. Reject anger, and stay calm. Live anger-free, and your personal and relationship life will be quickly on the road to success.

Romantic Delusions

Romance is wonderful, isn't it? Too bad it ends so shortly after marriage! Of course, the Torah advises against this practice; courtship should last for120 years. Unfortunately, the Torah faces tough competition with today's newspapers, glossy magazines, movies and internet communications. The message of modern society is: "You deserve a perfect mate and if yours doesn't fit that description, then ditch him and try again."

The divorce rate in large cities tops 60% and in smaller, more "family-oriented" towns, it hovers around 50%. People – in large numbers apparently – find their spouses unsatisfactory. Could it be that their expectations are out of line with reality?

Grounds for Divorce

Judaism allows for divorce. It is there as a healing tool in cases of marital toxicity. It is assumed that all or almost all marriages will be challenging, somewhat painful, very painful at times, disappointing, boring, crushing, hurtful and otherwise difficult. Jewish divorce wasn't created to address the pain in marriage any more than suicide is condoned to address the pain in living. Jewish divorce is meant for that small number of marriages that suffer fatal flaws such as untreatable marital violence or sexual or emotional repulsion (neither of these is a "fatal flaw" when responsive to treatment). In fact, most of your spouse's irritating behaviors do not qualify as "fatal flaws."

Human Imperfection Personified

Your spouse is "human imperfection personified." So are you, but that probably doesn't bother you that much. In any event, if your spouse engages in any of the following behaviors, he or she is within the normal, unpleasant range of personality possibilities:

• Disrespectful and/or hurtful speech
• Forgetful, neglectful or irresponsible behaviors
• Inattentiveness
• Lack of self-care
• Disregard for your feelings
• Poor communication skills
• Poor listening skills
• Poor parenting skills
• Improper allocation of resources such as time or money
• Mood issues
• Insecurities, anxieties, fears and phobias
• Anger issues
• Negativity, excessively critical, demanding
• Immature, impulsive
• Controlling, selfish, inconsiderate
• Not nice in any other way

Imperfect people get married and have children. Maybe they shouldn't, but they do. In fact, since there are no perfect people, it's probably better for the human race that they do. In any event, you married one and you are one, so don't be surprised when your spouse lets you down in a million different ways. Help your spouse to improve but most of all, help YOURSELF to deal with it. Enlist books, classes, counselors and prayer; do whatever you have to do to bring yourself, your spouse and your marriage to a higher level. Unless what you are dealing with is a Torah Certified Fatal Flaw, then divorce cannot be considered part of your solution. Divorce curtails the growth process. (If your spouse divorces you, on the other hand, then this is part of G‑d's divine plan for your life and very much a part of your growth process.)

Living with Your Bashert

G‑d knows you and your spouse intimately. Your spouse is, in fact, your "bashert" – the soul chosen to accompany your soul on life's journey. Your spouse - your spiritual partner, your other half – is there to help you develop YOUR potential. One's bashert is not necessarily a feel-good buddy. One's bashert can be someone who gives you quite the run for your money. He or she can irritate you to bits until you learn to be more tolerant, patient or understanding. He or she can hurt your feelings constantly until you learn to love yourself more. He or she can walk all over you until you learn to be assertive. He or she can ignore you until you learn to stand up and fight for what you want. Your spouse can draw you into dysfunction and despair until you learn to give others space to be themselves and do their own work. In other words – if you haven't quite got my drift – your spouse, even through his or her bad behavior, can help you perfect your character, correct imbalances and achieve what you never would have otherwise achieved. This, in fact, is one of the purposes of marriage – to help us grow.

When Does the Good Part Come?

As you develop into all that you can be, guess what happens? Your spouse improves! Your marriage improves. Your life improves. Romantic love is given as a gift from G‑d at the beginning of marriage to show us what we will be able to attain later on as a result of our own individual conscious efforts. Point your compass in the right direction and stay on track. Hard work in marriage is the norm. But the reward is commensurate with the effort.